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01 August 2015 @ 07:53 am
Keys to a working relationship  
I have mentioned these in passing to many people but I think it's time to write them as an official article. There are five key points to a healthy working relationship. Any relationship; friendship, family, romance or business partnership. These are the foundation for a relationship becoming deeper and lasting a life time.

1. Communication
Communication is the most important part of any relationship. You become friends with someone by meeting them and talking with them. The more you communicate the better you get to know each other. Communication must be constantly kept up as well because if you aren't talking you aren't in a relationship. If you are not in contact with your friend it is no different as if they were not there at all or as if they did not exist at all. What about when there is a problem? Well that is the time to be in communication even more. It is extremely important to talk problems over and fix them as soon as they arise. Ignoring things is one of the worst things that anyone can do because problems do not go away. They become worse over time and the longer one waits to confront them the more difficult they are to resolve. Imagine this in a business setting where one person ignores the fact someone is not doing their job. This will cause performance to drop and affect other aspects of the team. If not dealt with and taken care of it could easily become a very serious issue that affects the entire company. Now can people be talking all the time? No of course not. But even this needs to be addressed by telling the other person or people involved that you are leaving because you have to work, you need a break, you're going on vacation or some other reason. Do not just disappear on your friends or partner with no good explanation. Again you are not there so it's no different than taking the coward's way out. And there is no respect in that which leads to the next point

2. Mutual Respect
In any relationship there has to be respect that goes both ways. If there is not you can not be friends or it is a one side relationship. The word friend is not something to throw around lightly either as it takes work to get to the status of friend. Mainly the steps involve here to know each other. So even extroverts that move fast need time to get to know one another in any relationship. I have been and am in relationships where someone calls me a "friend" but I do not in return. I do not know them yet or I do not trust them enough to fully open up and let them know me. Or will I ever. I have told people before I do not see them as a friend in return yet stupidly they still say they consider me a friend. A friend or a partner is someone that will be there for you and take time to think about you and talk to you. So in this case, this one sided relationship, we are not friends regardless of what they label me. It has to go both ways or there can be no going forward. Respect can be lost over time as well which leads to deterioration of the whole relationship. This leads to the next point. Trust.

3. Trust
Trust also has to be mutual. It is extremely important. You have to have no doubts about the other person nor they about you. You need to know that they will be there for you good or bad and stand up for you. That they can be called on at any time and that you can do the same in return. I expect my friends to be there for me. I fight for them gladly and ditch any that have done them wrong. I expect them to do the same and be there for me when I need backing up. This is true in the more serious love relationship and also in business. You have to count on your partner to stand with you against a rival company. It's a teamwork that makes you stronger. Yes one can face things alone and succeed well but it's always best to have help to beat down the opposition on all sides. Trust is like faith though. It's something both sides have to have. It can't be given or learned. It comes with self confidence. You should only have to ask once "Will you be there for me?" if at all. If you have to keep asking this then the relationship isn't there. Move on find someone better.

4. Common Ground
It is extremely important to have lots of common ground. Lots of mutual interests. Both parties have to be on the same side. Opposites attract only works for atoms, not people. The more you have in common the more you have to talk about and enjoy. Remember communication is key and if you have lots of things to talk about and agree on the conversations can flow which reinforces the relationship quite well. This is when it's a growing positive experience on both side. Sharing of ideas and thoughts even mutual hate is quite fun and enjoyable to share when you find a kindred spirit. If you have little to nothing in common then you only have reason to argue and fight. That's not grounds for a healthy relationship but an unhealthy one that leads to becoming enemies. Having an enemy is also a relationship and work but in this post we are talking about healthy relationships. Positive ones. So having someone to share things like the same movies, music, hobby, sport, political view, religious view etc is a wonderful thing. Having the same outlook on business helps partners work together to reach a goal as this gives them determination and support to make it to the end. Once that goal is achieved the partnership is strengthen further in a positive enjoyable way. Same thing in a romance. When both have the same common ground and the ability to back each other up this helps them through hardship and reinforces the pair bond in the end.

5. Temperament
This one is not as important as the other four but it is still important to find someone of a similar personality type as your own. This point is quite similar to number 4 but on a more personal level. Going by Myers Briggs it is a good idea to use the one letter difference rule. Mainly finding others that only have one letter difference so they are almost like you. For example I am INTJ. Introvereted iNtuitive Thinking Judging. It's important for me to find or have people that are either ENTJ, ISTJ, INFJ or INTP. I play very well with INTP's and ISTJ's actuall again provide the four points above fit. These types go about this very similar and work towards the same goals though the paths to reaching said goals night be a bit different. But these work together well with INTJ's...but not with each other. The reason Friends of Friends rarely works is because if a friend is following this rule then except for one the others will have at least two letters different which makes things much more difficult. Another good place to look is within your own temperament. For me it's the NT's. The rationals. So ENTP, ENTJ, INTJ and INTP would make good friends under the first four points. Yes this is true. The four Temperaments are NT's the Rationals, SP's the Artisans, SJ's the Protectors and NF's the Idealists. If someone is too different from you then you are fighting their personality and they yours and this does not lead to a healthy relationship.

A true friendship, romance or partnership should have no fighting. That's right. There should be no fighting at all. Sure there will be little problems come up and differences on how to do things but if you have lots of common ground there is no reason to be fighting each other. If all the points above are true then you have a team, yes even of just two people. The problems will come from outside, from life. There's nothing you can do to stop problems you face them together. But there never should be problems from within. If there is a difference there is a loss of respect. If someone tells you "to each their own" that is a load of BS. If they want a relationship they should be on the same page as you. So when you find these little differences respect drops on both sides and then you'll find more until respect is out the window and all else follows suit.

This is really a simple formula that should be common sense to most. Look to people who's relationships work and ask them why it works. Learn from the success stories and do not look to the failures. It's a shame that modern media has turned to the point of showing only dysfunctional families. People think that this is the norm but it is not. But this is also why I write my own stories. Though my stories are filled with tragedy and grief you'll find that the relationships in them are built on these strong principles that last for some an eternity. But it's life that causes them problems or other characters. Yes the relationships last til the end. That's very important.

Current Mood: Philosophical
(Deleted comment)
Des: Thanatos Agreesthagirion on August 1st, 2015 04:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Feel free to share it. This is good for anyone to read really. I have considered officially publishing this but I need to elaborate way more for that to happen and that's hard for me when I'm a to the point person. Perhaps part of a whole if I wrote a psychology book in general.

Yes Communication is the most important thing there is all things must be said good or bad. We introverts like to keep things inside but in a relationship it's very important to bring things out into the open and work towards a solution. Yes that whole facebook thing is so stupid that people think they have friends when they have nothing. I think I have read that a human brain can handle at most 100 connections which is larger than most tribes when our neurons were wired. And even 100 is pushing it. Extroverts would love 100 or more friends but that's not possible. Real friends that take work that is.

Yes agreed. And respect is earned by getting to know the person through communication and observation of their deeds. Trust can grow from this. But both sides have to have self esteem for there to be trust. Insecure people can not have true friendships that last.

Opposites attract does not work at all. It's a recipe for disaster.

Temperament can be worked around but it's hard. This is the one part where there is work and ideally there should be none. I felt some stress and aggravation on my trip because I only share a J with my aunt and an I with my uncle. Basically opposite to both. But we have the common ground which helped a lot.

I like the Simpsons but they've been a bad media influence and most people are not smart enough to realize that is not normal nor what a family should be like. .

Edited at 2018-06-21 07:35 pm (UTC)
Desthagirion on June 21st, 2018 07:36 pm (UTC)
Original Comment

Date: 2015-08-01 12:15 pm (local)
From: [identity profile] audes-lj.livejournal.com IP Address: (
Hmm, a good article for me to share with people that I find could need advice in that regard or in general may should read it for consideration. Because I agree to this completely.

Communication is key of course. Be it verbally or non-verbally, interaction is kind of needed to consider someone a person you have something to do with. Else it's about as meaningful as being a friend on facebook, where you have three times as much friends as the human brain can possible register as friends, family, enemies, etc. in all.

Mutual Respect and Trust are a requirement for such communication to work as... well, long story short, if you were disrespectful and untrusting to your friend, then who is your enemy? If communication is the key, Respect and Trust are the fingers to use it.

In terms of Common Grounds, I must admit that the "opposites attract" is not really something I believe in too much... as in, I don't really think so. Because honestly it didn't work out with any relationship I know about in real life. In fact, I think I can work with my sister to some degree despite her being ENFJ because we share almost the same slate of interests and opinions with each other.

The Temperament of course as the personality compatibility is something we have been experiencing a lot with certain scenarios. We NTs work well together because we can maintain a status of being rational about situations. It of course enters the spirale with NT and NF, which probably won't work out so well as you explained in an earlier article.

About the amount of dysfunctional families in current media... it's almost laughably common, just like a lot of other things that are already oversaturating the industry. It's not engaging or anything really, if it's just there for the sake of it.
gamma_wings on August 1st, 2015 04:36 pm (UTC)
Communication: Hmm yea, I do agree with you that when a person is gone for a looong time, it gets harder to consider them "friends". Like when someone doesn't come onto dA for a very long time I end up forgetting about their existence and therefore... they may fall under the title of "buddy", then just "acquaintance". Lack of communication is what eventually brought us and bubblegum apart after all. And yes it is best to address problems... since they do have a tendency to get worse. Just like those whiny venters just vent more frequently when time goes on.

Mutual Respect: Ah yes, it can be annoying when people consider you to be a friend but you do not. Frankly just being nice to someone and being a friend are two different things. However some people don't see the difference. Mutual respect is something that's needed in a friendship for sure. I only truly respect people after some time has gone by and I can trust them, otherwise I remain somewhat wary.

Trust: Yes when I have a friend, I do trust them to stand by my side during... anything. I, for instance, am glad that I can trust you to back me up when some jerk says something stupid on my page. And I'm always happy to back you up when a jerk comes to you. I do trust your judgement hence why I do back you up during flame wars. Same thing goes to my other close friends on here.

Common Ground: Fully agreed. However the belief that opposites attract is so widespread for some reason. Even my dad thinks that's the case. x( Um, no. Speaking from personal experience I know that's not true. I remember having a buddy in middle school who was an ESFJ, and we were complete opposites. Well although we did occasionally get along, we also got into a lot of fights which wasn't surprising. Oddly enough I met her again recently at volunteering, though we didn't fight this time around I can hardly consider you a friend. But having someone who not only shares your likes but also your dislikes is great to have, hence it's only natural that we got along.

Temperament: Yea I tend to look for possible NTs when searching for buddies to have. I tend to get along best with them since it's more likely that we have more in common. Though in theory I should also get along pretty well with ISTPs and INFPs. Though I prefer the company of ENTPs and INTJs. I'm just happy that my friends at school are all nerds, and do tend to fall into the category of types I get along with.

It's a bit unfortunate that my family does seem to fight often. -_-" So, I suppose that I do have a dysfunctional family... and I'm starting to suspect more and more that both my parents are feeling types. Sometimes I wonder why my mom and dad married, since they seem to have little in common. I guess that neither of them understand the constructs of a healthy relationship. Fortunately we do at least.
Des: Budgiesthagirion on August 1st, 2015 04:52 pm (UTC)
Yes if they just vanish with no reason they may as well be gone for good. I get angry when they reappear and expect everything to be just as it was. No. If you're my friend you need to keep me in the loop and tell me why you are going. If you're mad at me then you sure as Hell tell me why since I may not have a clue. And if you want to break up the friendship then you better tell me that too. Yes that bugged me about Bubblegum and I confronted her when she came back. I thought that journal was funny since she thought we wouldn't find out she was back. I knew she was talking about us. Well good thing Chris was still watching her and told me right away. He had forgotten to remove her. He did after her two bad drawings showed up in his inbox.

That's exactly right. People don't understand that being nice and being friends are not mutually inclusive things. I do what's right. This might come off as nice to some people but I'm not their friend. Strikerprime has this problem. I told him I'm not his friend, but he said he still considers me his friend even if I don't. Ok man he'll find out.

It's great when you have trust going both ways. I'm glad I met you too and know we watch each other's backs. We have a strong positive relation that builds confidence which is why we roll our eyes when trouble comes along. This is not to much to ask of others. This is what should be expected from friends.

Your dad is wrong and he can not see what's before his face with the fights he has with your mother. No that's not a healthy relationship and many parents stay together for the sake of the kids or because they're "supposed" because of some strange rule. But it's not a healthy situation for anyone. I remember you telling me about this person. Well for the better they aren't in contact with you much anymore. Having common ground adds in the fun which is much needed.

It is very important that like personality types seek each other out. The stupid notion of opposites attract is that this will make up for what you lack and the other way around. No. That is not what happens. It causes you to go against each other. That's not good. It won't work. So yes I think finding others in the same temperament and with only one letter difference works well.

That sucks about your family. Mine was dysfunctional too and my mother and I did not get along. But yes the good thing is we learned what not to do from their example.
kabuldur: Asterkabuldur on August 2nd, 2015 11:15 am (UTC)
I agree with what you say.

And that's something I have not thought about a lot. Relationships that work are not studied. But it is true that I have mused about the number of marriages that survive in this country.

Edited at 2015-08-03 12:00 pm (UTC)
Desthagirion on August 4th, 2015 01:05 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you do.

Yes to make a relationship work people need to follow an example that works not one that it broken.