?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
19 November 2015 @ 01:02 pm
Review of the Fan Fic Subconscious  
Ok, you guys know I always say I don't read other people's fan fics. Well I sort of broke my own rule a few weeks ago and regretted it. It was a reminder of why I must not break this rule again be the person a friend, stranger or enemy. No. Just don't. Most people don't know who to write. This is also a great example of why NOT to act on your emotions. I found a really great drawing on Deviantart of Fear from Inside out all tied up in the dark. I loved it because I've never seen anyone else do nasty things to this character like I do. I saw there was a link to a story and since I was so excited and I wanted more I decided to read it. Another mistake I made was to misunderstand the description that this drawing was an alternate ending. I read that. I did but I don't know why it did not register and here I go reading this expecting that scene to be the ending to a great story.

The story in question is this one on fan fiction . net. Another clue if I had had my wits about me that this was going to be bad. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11442310/1/Subconscious
There has NEVER been anything good on that site. None that I have heard of anyway. I'm proud to NOT own an account there. Why should I went I own a .com and a .org? I can post stories on my own website. But anyway to the review.

This is a story about Riley temporarily losing her fear after witnessing the death of a team mate on her hockey team. I had to read the first paragraph like three times to figure out what was going on. It wasn't well explained that this was another girl on the ice or from what point of view it was taking place. Too much was going on at once. At first I thought Riley was the one that got hurt. Really on first reading I thought she was the one that had fallen, gotten head trauma and was on her way to the hospital. I thought the emotions inside couldn't do anything because the body had completely shut down. I think this route would have been preferable as it leads to a loss of an emotion if you damage the correct part of the brain. It has happened and I will get to that later on. But no it was a team mate that fell on the ice while not wearing a helmet and got hurt. Riley witnessed the accident and saw her die. As a cold thinking type I don't think this would have affected me if I had seen this. Not unless it was someone I knew personally AND cared about. I have seen people get hurt and I have seen human corpses and not lost any of my senses over it. But we're dealing with feeling types including the author. It's possible Riley has been misunderstood from the start of this story. I can not say for sure on this yet as I have not analyzed her much.

The story then picks up and becomes rather interesting as the emotions try to figure out what to do and how to help Riley get over this traumatic experience. Way too many purple memories were produced so Fear feels guilty about it that this was his fault having inadvertently scared Riley too much. I love this take on it. This concept had so much potential as his role is the protector and to cause damage (the opposite of his job) would really mess him up. Joy was tempted to send all the memories to the dump instead of to long terms. Anger stops her though saying that you can just wipe out an entire day. He was right and from here out it is interesting that the villain of the story is Joy though she does not know it. Anger pulls the lever and over rules her sending the memories to long term anyway. That night Fear has dream duty but instead of allowing dreams to broadcast he keeps playing the death memory over and over all night. Joy is not happy when she finds this out and comes up with a plan to take advantage of Fear's trust in her.

I liked that the story mentions that their trust had only been betrayed once when Joy out right lied to him telling him that earthquakes were a myth just to keep him calm. I would have liked to have seen the scene where he finds out this was an outright lie. He remembered this when Joy asks him to trust her again but she convinces him to join him on a secret mission. Just the two of them took all the memories from that day and put them in the subconscious since Joy knew it was not right to toss them in the dump. They should just be buried. I like that it took them several nights for this to be accomplished and things seemed to go back to normal in the real world.

But when the memories were trigger by reminders in the real world again things went wrong. All purple memories started flying off the shelves literally. They were flying through the air and going into the subconscious. Funny as this scene was painted in my mind I also had a big problem with it. HOW is this happening? How did they suddenly become anti-gravity balls with a guidance system? This was never explained and that was a very bad point in the story. Another one of those, "It's magic" moments I can't stand.

Later on Riley reads the famous quote, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." She is taken by that quote thinks about it and then out loud says, "Then I no longer wish to know Fear."
Now this is my favorite part of the story but still could have been much better because Fear was not at the controls when she said this. To have him hear and see that would have traumatized him so much. It was Joy that was at the controls and she kept that secret to herself. But this was the key to everything. The next day the cops arrive on the train and take Fear away. They don't give him a chance to say good bye but tell everyone they get their orders directly from Riley and Fear is being relocated. I liked they were somber and not pleased about doing this but orders are orders. Fear had no idea this was a bad thing and went along quietly with them. All this time Joy still keeps quiet knowing that it's all her fault for moving the memories and for what Riley said to herself.

But to Fear's horror they don't take him to a new place. They lock him in the subconscious with all his lost memories. He's frightened and tortured by the creatures in there.

By chapter 9 the story was getting pretty awful. It's at at that point I wised up to not read everything. That chapter was extremely boring and annoying with unnecessary drama of the other emotions crying and missing Fear. Realizing how important he was after all. That they had under estimated him. That Riley was getting hurt because she lacked judgement and fear. But this chapter of all of them in Fear's room looking at his stuff, whinning and keeping it in his memory really bugged me. Assuming he was dead this practice is ridiculous. He would never know he was being "remembered" or "honored" this way. Too late for that. It went on and on way too long. Also when Joy eventually fesses up it's all her fault (and everyone's like "no it isn't") it also becomes unrealistic because of all the emotions I have no doubt Anger would have literally exploded and punched her. She would have been demoted and Sadness being second would have been placed in as lead emotion. I would have liked to have seen Anger try to kill Joy and Joy had to run out into the mind world and try to fix this mess she made. No one even knew where Fear was.

So now I'm skipping lots of stuff that was pointless and got to the part where Joy did go into the subconscious and finds him. This also should have been good but it was also ruined. It was explained that Fear was a prisoner in there for 3 months. THREE MONTHS! This is the worst part because one of two things would have happened.
1. He would have died of fright.
2. He would have gone insane to the point he would no longer be able to speak, walk or much of any use. Let alone push buttons and go back to his job.

But no he was eventually fine. And here is where it shows that the character was misunderstood. Joy asks him again for his help and he accepts. WTF? He still looked up at her as his hero. No no NO. Fear in the movie is an INTP personality type. Once you betray the trust of an INTP it's over. You're out. They may not have ill will for the betrayer (depends on the individual at that point. Some will some won't) but they will never trust them again let alone help them or do them a favor. And Joy betrayed him 3 times. The Earthquake lie, the lie about putting the memories in the subconscious and withholding information from the cops that she should be arrested not him.

So the two set off to find the memories and put them back and another annoying thing happens. Actually this happened when Joy first enters and is another example of the author not understanding the characters. There were memories of the parents fighting and yelling at each other. Of the feather being mean. This really irked me because one of the great things about this movie is that there is NEVER any family drama. Stuff happens to them that's bad but it's all external. The truck breaking down, movers lying to them, problems at work, problems with the house, problems with the neighborhood. But there are never any internal family problems. No yelling not blaming. Why would there be that? What reason would the dad have to yell at the mom? None. There's enough problems without them adding to life's mess already. I am speaking from experience. Chris and I never fight. We don't yell at each other. We don't blame each other. We have problems and we face them as a team and we support each other. This type of writing just shows how society does not understand the concept of what a marriage is about and how few good couples are shown in the media to the point that once they are people still don't get it. So may more points were lost for this with me.

So Joy frees Fear. I'm skipping paragraphs and chapters at this point. Cops aren't happy and are chasing them. They manage to catch Fear again. Now I should have really enjoyed this part because it was a battle scene. I love battles but I just could not concentrate anymore and I skipped to the end. I had skipped so much already anyway and from what I had seen I wasn't missing much. And the end was cliche. Fear is back and everything is happy like nothing happened but now he's appreciated and Joy is forgiven. Unrealistic GARBAGE. I'm GLAD I didn't read the whole thing. Rarely do I skip to the end of a story. Only when they are bad.

It's a shame this story had such promise. It did have it's good concepts and starts at the beginning but no matter how well a story starts a bad ending will always ruin everything.

I give this story a 3/10. I'm thankful I didn't read it all. Been needing to make this review and get this frustration off my chest. So the scene from the drawing that got me all excited didn't even happen because they never caught him and put him back. Really he should have died.

I was also annoyed because I began to associate Victorius song Black and White with this story. https://youtu.be/m15VtOMpfP8

Had the story gone how I imagined this song would have been perfect for it. As always I have to take things into my own hands. I have come away with this frustration so many times from movies and cartoons. Especially as a kid because they weren't dark enough, realistic enough or action packed enough for my taste. I'm thinking of writing my own story based on this. But I'm not sure I want it to be Riley's little wimp. Torturing a helpless character like that for no reason without a story is never good. Yeah for my own sadistic pleasure but to what end? It would lead nowhere. So I need to give this some thought and may actually do something really disturbing with Scary Fear instead. He's such a complex character that I'm hoping he'll have a diverse audience like Owen does. I hope Scary Fear is both loved and hated and my readers would be split about him. But we'll see. Need to work so much out still.

EDIT: I did ask how come Fear didn't die. The excuse was that emotions don't die. BS! The reason there are so few fearless people in the world is because they die quickly. They are difficult to study because they are non-exist. But I posted this article about the woman that had had damage to her amygdala. It does happen and she's the only know survivor.
http://thagirion.livejournal.com/865083.html

Though I question if she is still alive.
Then there are psychopaths. Think of them as evil Vulcans only out to help themselves but they have no understand of emotions or experience them. They do learn to mimic them to take advantage of human's innate instinct to work as a team. There are emotionless people out there. Now if you could reach the state of a psychopath but have built in morality sign me up for that. I think it would be great to be driven by nothing but logic and morality and be in a calm state all the time even in an emergency.

One last gripe. Formatting was atrocious. Didn't they teach this woman English composition and grammar? Paragraphs (if you can call them that) where broken in terrible places and dialog was spaced incorrectly and horribly making an already bad story more difficult to read.

Current Mood: Disappointed
.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Des: Owen Painedthagirion on November 20th, 2015 02:21 pm (UTC)
I can't believe I missed all the clues. I'm not only mad for having wasted my time but mad at myself for missing them at the start. No more breaking my own rules. I am thankful I didn't waste all my time with it and skipped so much. Yes people do not know how to write. And people that don't know good writing or have never read an actual good story with though put into it think this garbage is good.

Yes the concept was good but just didn't work. I often wonder how you can have a good idea then totally ruin it. I feel like Angry Joe giving an angry review.

Yes Scary Fear will save the day again. I'm glad you hate Owen. It was the purpose I created him for. I also created Scary Fear to be a misunderstood character, but I had no idea how bad it would be. Right now everyone thinks he's evil and that's fine. It's part of my plan. Later on it will be shown he's not really evil. He does have evil tendencies and he does kill but he does it with reason. But he actually hates being called evil. I show this later on too. Really this one is a true anti-hero unlike George that is a villain but the main character. But that's what's nice about Scary Fear. He's so calm, intelligent and rational.

I've actually got this story nearly fleshed out. You know the short thing I wrote about him scaring that guy by taking him flying? That will be my "villain" of this story. But he wont' be a protein. It's one of the things I need to figure out. I'm guessing he's an imaginary character Charlie created for the sole purpose of torturing him. Like the way I think of inspector gadget. And then Fear finds him and he gets more of the same even when Charlie isn't thinking about him. During down times he forces himself to get over his phobias of birds and heights and sets a trap for Fear next time. He captures hims and turns the tables on him. Tortures him as pay back for everything Fear has done to him. Fear has to find a way to escape and pay him back at the end. I just don't know who or what this character is yet. I think that's the first problem I need to solve. This will be written story so I don't have to worry about comics or tons of art. Just the key scenes.
kabuldur: Asterkabuldur on November 21st, 2015 11:37 am (UTC)
Obviously this story telling was going to be bad of the first part was confusing. So yes, you would have been mad at yourself for breaking your won rules.

However, there were some cool concepts in there. So, it wasn't a totally wasted exercise.

I think the author's failing to suspend your disbelief was a real failure point.

Yeah, best to get on with your own art and concepts.

I under stand you need to rant, though!

Edited at 2015-11-21 11:37 am (UTC)
Desthagirion on November 21st, 2015 01:45 pm (UTC)
Yeah I should have realized it. This probably won't happen to me again for a long time now.

There were some cool concepts. Too bad it didn't work out.

Yes it's bad if I start to think outside of the story and question things like that.

Yes I am already working on some idea inspired by this.

Yes definitely needed to rant.
badcowboy: stupid peoplebadcowboy on November 21st, 2015 07:07 pm (UTC)
I belong to that site and have posted my works on the Doug cartoon series there as well as one about Team Rocket from Pokemon. The difference between these people and me is the fact I do understand characters and write them properly. I have my stories posted on da as well, but sadly people don't read them so I get no proper feed back. I was complimented tons of times for having characters behave how they were written and intended. All my works on that site revolved around Roger Klotz from Doug. He's a bully and "bad guy" I kept him as such. I remember once someone wrote me saying that Roger would never have punched Doug in the nose. Ummm sure he would. Doug is nosey and always pissing off Roger in that aspect so when it came down to it, Roger slugged him as a last straw sort of thing. But I digress...too many writers or would that be "writers" don't know what direction to take things and lose it. Many, like you said, don't understand understand characters and simply bang out pure sheet and think it's great. Not sure what's worse, those that write and think it's great or those that actually read it and think it's great. Ugh. Sorry you suffered through that. Maybe one day you could check out my Roger stuff you might enjoy it. I have a few faves though that are super short. I can hook you up with that and you can let me know what you think but that's if you want and if you truly know the show. Would be silly to read something based on something you don't even watch XD
Des: Ophidius Artistthagirion on November 22nd, 2015 02:14 pm (UTC)
I think the readers are worse. They don't have discriminating tastes. There's a difference between thinking you're good and knowing you're good. Luckily I didn't read all of it and this time knew enough to skip and quit. I must remember art makes bad stories look good and not go by that. I fell into that trap. There was one a few years ago about an Aladdin villain named Malcho. He was a quetzalcoatl. Almost fell into the same trap. Someone made very nice art for the author and I checked out the story also on this site and didn't get far as it was crap. More mary sues making the villain good because she took pity on him. Totally misunderstood him. Almost wanted to make my own art but reminded myself I already had a Quetz. THE Quetz who was way better and more accurate.
I never cared for that show. That was around the time in the 90s when Nick and Disney took a downward turn. Art started getting really bad and over simplified.
Calzephyr: pwniescalzephyr77 on December 12th, 2015 02:32 pm (UTC)
Ahhhhhh fan fiction. I have such a hard time reading it. Usually I bust a gut laughing. I tried to read some Fast & Furious fan fiction out loud to Bud and I was just in tears. It was so, so bad.

Sometimes too it's never good when head canons collide too :-D My Little Pony soap operas used to be popular where the ponies would get drunk, divorce and drive fast cars. Ponies would never do that.



Des: Readingthagirion on January 3rd, 2016 10:29 pm (UTC)
I just found this comment. Sorry I missed it. Yes what was wrong with me? I got carried away by the art that is lightyears above the fiction. That will not happen again. I can imagine that would be funny.

No they would not do that. Ha they don't have hands. Ha.
gamma_wingsgamma_wings on December 29th, 2015 09:37 pm (UTC)
Fan fiction... one of the many plagues of the internet. It's pretty much all bad and hence I don't read it. Even if good stuff exists on that site it'll take too much effort to find, and I'm not in the mood to read through bad fan ficts. Indeed most people cannot write, and hence you get these terrible and not original so stories. I'll admit that I was confused by the first paragraph too, but didn't bother read much beyond that. Not that it matters, since clearly you summarized the whole story nicely here.

And... it seems stupid. The plot didn't impress me in the slightest. Sure the idea was interesting enough, with Riley experiencing some sort of trauma, Joy being the villain and Fear being kicked out... but goodness was it poorly executed. It didn't seem realistic to me. It's amazing how easy it could be to ruin a good concept. The ending especially was stupid, so everything ended happily ever after as if nothing happened? No emotional traumas occurred within the emotions, and no one ended up killed? Emotions can be killed, if hurt in the right way. But, it's clear that most people prefer happy unrealistic endings over dark tragic ones. I do wish more people actually tortured their characters in stories, a shame it does not happen often.
Des: Owen Painedthagirion on December 30th, 2015 12:21 am (UTC)
Ugh now you know how pissed I was and why. Yeah just the first paragraph is so confusing about who is hurt. I shouldn't have had to read it 3 times. The author wouldn't listen to me when I gave her suggestions in a note which pissed me off so much. She's nice but she needs to stick to art and not stories. She's a good artist made that gift art for me but her stories...no. I was going to re-write this but it just wasn't working plus I hate Riley. So boring. And this inspired my story and creation of Gord where Fear will be tied up and torture properly. But instead of crying he will fight back and someone will once again die.

I have a buddy on that account that also thinks emotions can't die. I can't wait to get to the point where I kill Sadness. Everyone will be shocked. Yes they can and the emotion that fascinates me most in losing is Fear. Few people live being fearless and the one person I know of is a test subject. But yeah I started writing down concepts then realized what's the point of torturing a pathetic creature then have them die just to make the reader cry? And maybe just for my sick pleasure but it's just not a good story. None of these are so mine's better. And a better mind in Charlie anyway.