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16 January 2013 @ 10:07 pm
Quid Pro Quo  
This is a rant/explanation of what I think a friend should be, experiences and annoyances I have had with friends and what you get when you have me as a friend. I am not talking about any one person in particular but I am drawing from examples from experiences I have had with some of you here as well as others outside of LJ and even in real life. I am not using any names since I respect those of you on my friends list, but don't say, "That was me." in the comments because I'm not doing this to point anyone out. I have been meaning to talk about this for a long time now. Months actually. I made a Youtube Video a few years ago about why the word Friend is a strong word not to be thrown around lightly. I will touch on that here as well.

Friend is a strong word. I do not make friends easily not because I am bad at it but because I choose not to. As a strong introvert I just don't need a huge circle of friends. A handful of close friends is good enough for me. Those I consider my best friends I can count on one hand. I have three levels of positive interaction with people. They are: Acquaintances, buddies and friends. Acquaintances are people I've just met, some coworkers I may say Hi and Bye to every day or people I'm ok with but don't socialize with. I don't know them they don't know me. I'm probably not at all interested in them. Buddies are closer. I may hang out once in a while, maybe have lunch at work with them. I open up a bit more with them but they still do not know me. Then there are friends. This category is reserved the the select few that have gained my trust and we have both gotten to know each other fairly well. This can lead to even stronger relationships be they romance, business partnership or best friend status. The friend level is very difficult to attain and the most important because that is where trust is established both ways. This is why the higher levels are more easily attained once the status of friend is reached. To me making friends is more difficult than say romance. People say things like, "He was moving to fast for me." I have never experience this when I was dating but I do feel this way when someone tries to make friends too fast ans I put up my shields or toss them out all together. Again this is because trust has not been established.

If you're lucky enough for me to call you friend in return what do you get? You get a bulldog. You get someone that will be loyal and watch out for you and expect the same thing in return. You also get blunt honesty that a true friend should give you. If you're being an idiot and you're just plain wrong I will tell you. Especially if you ask me. You should be thankful for this and not angry since it is for your own good. Even if I do something wrong I want to hear about it. I may not like it or think you're wrong but if you're right after some thought and a reasonable argument I will come around. I do listen. I am protective of my friends and am not afraid of a fight. This is the bulldog part. If someone does something against you I will jump in and give them what for. If you are undeserving of the assault you have received I will fight for you and back you up all the way. This is great if you do not like to fight your own fights. Sit back and let the guard dog do her duty. If you do like to fight then the more the merrier. But do not tell me to stop when I am defending you. You say thank you. I had one friend a few years back that wanted to fight alone. That angers me. You don't tell someone that's helping you to stop. Not in that sense. If someone's calling you names for no reason the fight ends faster with two or more than with one.

If I know my friends don't like conflict I'm very good at drawing the fire completely onto myself. I don't mind and gladly do this. But now, Quid Pro Quo I expect the same thing of you. If I do this for you when it happens to me I want you to back me up and not leave me swinging my sword by myself and walking out. I would not do that to you. When it comes to online I also always check out new people I suddenly see commenting because I don't trust new people and look out for my friends. If I smell something fishy I will warn you and tell you to watch out. My intuition is very high and almost always right. I don't pick fights though and respect your space. I only attack others if I see you are being blatantly assaulted which recently happened to a friend. Sometimes I will ask if you want me to say something as a good trained guard dog should not attack without the command but be ready for a fight and know when to act on its own. Most of you have often heard me say, "Let me know if you need my help." I don't say that to just anyone.

Now about enemies. I take loyalty very seriously. Not only will I do these things but yes I expect you to do the same. Though now on here that I have my journal set to comments only from friends on my list you'll rarely see flamewars happen here. A bit of a shame but I did it for other reasons and not because of the fights. But I will not stand it if you are friends with my enemies. I am within my rights to ask you to drop them. You are as well. This is different than if I just don't like someone. Well that's too bad. But as far as out right enemies, someone that has wronged me and you know it and you consort with them then I will bring this up and ask you to lose them. As a friend why would you keep someone around that has wronged me and that irks me with their presence? What kind of friend are you to do that? You guys know the "rule" about not telling others who their friends are. Well all rules have exceptions and this is the one for this one. Do it long enough and not do the right thing and you'll likely lose everything in the end. So yes I do this, have done this and will do this. I will drop you because you can't keep your end of the friendship. It goes both ways.

Because trust and respect is so important to me if you tell me you are a certain way or that you will do a certain thing I will hold you to it. If you can not make good on this I will not respect you. This has happened countless times and like I told the yard kid I recently ditched that I give everyone a chance to screw things up. One of the falling outs I had with the pumpkin guy on youtube had one of these very things as key. He claimed he was one thing but when it came down to it he was not and I called him on it. I don't go for flattery. If you gush about how you appreciate me and this and that about me I get defensive. At that point I want to see you prove it not talk about it. Yard kid didn't make good on this and that was a warning sign too.

As an INTJ I have high expectations and demands. I set the bar even higher for myself. I will not ask someone to do something that I myself would not do. This may sound contradictory about what I said about I give everyone a chance to screw up. It is not. People don't start out as friends with me. You're neutral when we first meet and can easily go into the negatives from the start if you don't meet my high expectations. By the time you are a friend you've probably passed all the tests and then I demand excellence. That is what you'll receive in return. Relationships are a two way thing.
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The Silver Wolf of Darkness: Ignignoktsilvolf on January 17th, 2013 09:16 am (UTC)
I can see what you're saying makes sense. People start out with me as casual aquaintances and become friends by interacting with me and gaining my trust, which is hard to do. And I can also see why you would set the bar higher for yourself, after all, its always a good thing to do yourself what you expect of others.
Desthagirion on January 17th, 2013 12:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I totally understand that since it is hard to gain my trust too. Yes, there are somethings I know I can do but would not expect others to.
Cheezey: Never Forget Who You Arecheezey on January 17th, 2013 02:21 pm (UTC)
I appreciate friends that have my back and vice versa. Like when that former friend of mine got on my case in my political post after I asked people who didn't agree to please just keep it to themselves. I appreciated that you offered to back me up.
Des: Thanatos In his sightthagirion on January 17th, 2013 03:45 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear that. That was one of those cases where I knew everything she said was wrong and wanted to just jump in and let her have it, but I was only sure about one point. I don't jump into things without all the facts because I don't ever want to lose an argument. This is why I asked if you wanted help but was more than happy to tear up her points in a separate thread. Though I could have gone just for the fact of, "you didn't follow directions" I just wanted to make sure with you. But yeah I was glad to help out there.
gamma_wingsgamma_wings on January 3rd, 2016 02:45 am (UTC)
Hmm, I'm sure I've seen this post before, why I haven't commented yet is beyond me. Anyhow...

Yes friend is definitely a strong word. I only have a small amount of them too, since I only bothered to get close to some people. Actually most of the people at school who I hang out with are buddies, with only 3 people who I'd actually call "friends". Online you're clearly my closest friend, along with most of the others found in the Raptor Pack. It is annoying when people progress too quickly, sort of how it was like with avian. I should have suspected her from the start.

I'm always grateful to have a bulldog by my side, you have helped me out countless times in flame wars. And in return, I was happy to help you out too. I'm always out to defend my friends in times of stupidity. So many victories ensued. I too would be annoyed if someone asked me to not help out in their fight, I may not be the very best out there, but I'm still a formidable flame warrior and enemies should fear me.

Oh all the people I dumped, oh well, they deserved it anyway. If someone wronged you I have no reason to remain friends with them. They're still not my best friends and it would be stupid to trade you for them. Actually I feel like that would paint me as a traitor and I'd never do that. You're always in the right anyway, and I trust your judgement so of course I'm by your side. And it's true, how I've seen many people who went against us end up loosing everything. I do bring good news, that flight appears to be barely active these days, if at all. We must have partially scared him off the internet.
Desthagirion on January 3rd, 2016 03:13 am (UTC)
Yeah I think I have linked to it before.

It's ironic silvolf replied to this as this post was aimed at her actually. Totally avoided the issue. Great example of one you warned me about and told me to ditch so I did. Yes I have a small group too though this past year it started to grow. I'm curious if a Raptor Pack 2.0 will form for me. You are my closest online friend too so it's very good it's mutual.

Yes we've worked well over the year. I had an ex friend tell me to stay out of it. WTF? I love it when my friends jump in without me asking them to. Yes that bugged me. How dare he not appreciate what I was doing?

I'm glad you trust me and I trust you. Yes I would not betray a friend like that either so you're right. I'm glad I helped you with Flight. I'm glad he's inactive now. Wish he'd deactivate. Well I still need to make a raven doodle to about that.